I don’t know, sometimes everything is so worthless, or so it seems, i’ve been insulted all my life, i always just tried to ignore them, tell myself i am better than that, always kept my feelings for myself, tried to keep a poker face. “I am just fine”. I was not, and i am not, i never was, i just couldn’t wait to get home, in my room, under the covers, to cry, and scream, i always hated myself, and god knows how many times i tried to end all this, i tried it all, i was never brave enough to do it though, told myself that maybe one day it would get better, it didn’t, it never does, we always have to lie to ourselves, and truth is, i never actually felt alive, just looking at myself.. I feel disgusted, every day i’m sitting in my room, being disgusted with myself, in front of a computer, with no friends, no life whatsoever, never actually had a real relationship, and now i lead myself to believe that i do not need anyone, love just seems like bullshit to me now, sincerely. Still hoping it will get better, maybe that someday i will move out of this fucking nowhere town, never see the bigots i am obligate to see everyday again, this is not how i chose to live, i do not want to live this way, it’s not pleasant at all.